Have you finally orgasmed yet?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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