Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
