I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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