Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
