I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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