I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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