Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
