Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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