omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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