i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
