ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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