woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
