Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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