It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
