I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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