I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I have surprise drugs for everyone
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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