I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
