the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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