3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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