Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
