If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
