the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
