Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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