I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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