Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
