Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
