dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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