Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
