They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
