Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
