Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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