What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
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