Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
