Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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