You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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