i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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