Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
