just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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