If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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