Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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