WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
