Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Text me some of your sweat
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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