I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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