Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
