Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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