the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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