mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
