Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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