My nipple is on Facebook.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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