Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
