I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
