Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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