And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Randomize
