just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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