im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize