haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
