I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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