mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
