Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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