Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
