Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
